Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
