We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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