The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
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he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
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I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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