I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
