Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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