I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
