Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
