I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
