I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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