He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
