Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
