He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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