Cold hands, warm shart.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
