i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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