Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
