8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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