Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
