she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
