i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
