1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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