nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
