Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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