either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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