She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
