he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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