We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
