Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
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Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
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not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers