You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
