Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
