I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
