How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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