Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
