Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
