Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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