Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
