Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
