1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
