Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
