there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
