Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
