I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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