I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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