I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
