Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
