I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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