Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
