Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
