My nipple is on Facebook.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
