You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
