The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
