Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
should my penis look like a turkey
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
