OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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