Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
