sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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