I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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