Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
