I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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